Robyn Peterman has 40 audiobooks on Listento.it, narrated by 20 narrators, with an average listener rating of 4.6★ across 65 ratings. The most-rated is Fashionably Dead.
Fashionably Dead
Summary
Vampyres don't exist. They absolutely do not exist. At least I didn't think they did 'til I tried to quit smoking and ended up Undead. Who in the hell did I screw over in a former life that my getting healthy equates with dead? Now I'm a Vampyre. Yes, we exist whether we want to or not. However, I have to admit, the perks aren't bad. My girls no longer jiggle, my ass is higher than a kite, and the latest Prada keeps finding its way to my wardrobe. On the downside, I'm stuck with an obscenely profane Guardian Angel who looks like Oprah and a Fairy Fighting Coach who's teaching me to annihilate like the Terminator. To complicate matters, my libido has increased to Vampyric proportions, and my attraction to a hotter-than-Satan's-underpants killer rogue Vampyre is not only dangerous...it's possibly deadly. For real dead. Permanent death isn't on my agenda. Avoiding him is my only option. Of course, since he thinks I'm his, it's easier said than done. Like that's not enough to deal with, all the other Vampyres think I'm some sort of Chosen One. Holy hell, if I'm in charge of saving an entire race of blood suckers, the Undead are in for one hell of a ride.
©2014 Robyn Peterman (P)2016 Audible, Inc.
How Hard Can It Be?
Summary
What happens when an accountant decides to grab life by the horns and try something new? Apparently a pirate named Dave, a lot of pastel fleece, and blackmail - just to start with.... Visualize and succeed, Oprah said. I was sure as hell trying, even if my campaign to score a job as the local weather girl had ended in a restraining order. Okay, TV was not my strength. But a lack of talent has never stopped me before. Which is why I've embarked on a writing career. I mean, how hard can it be to come up with a sexy romance? Leave it to me to wind up in a group of porno-writing grannies who discuss sex toys and apple cobbler in the same breath. Also, leave it to me to leak an outlandish plot idea to a best-selling author with the morals of a rabid squirrel. And only I could get arrested for a jewelry heist I didn't commit - by a hunky cop whose handcuffs just might tempt me to sign up for a life of crime. Maybe I've found my calling after all.
©2013 Robyn Peterman (P)2017 Audible, Inc.
Size Matters
Summary
A few hard truths: Don't bet on Hasselhoff, Bigfoot might actually exist, and searching for the impossible may lead you to your heart's desire.... It's a big fat hairy deal when I lose yet another bet to my best friend, Rena. Not only do I end up attending Bigfoot meetings with her kooky Aunt Phyllis, I find myself traveling with a band of reality TV, Sasquatch-hunting nut-jobs! Not to mention a suspiciously shady film crew. As if those little nuggets weren't enough to send me on the express train to Crazytown...I stupidly swore off men! Clearly, all this would mess up any gal's social life, but the worst part of the story? The minute I send my libido on vacation, I meet Mitch. Yep, Mitch, the sexiest cop ev-ah. The hottest, best-kissing, finest tushied single guy I've ever laid eyes on. I'd rather be hot on his trail than anything that involves the word big or foot. But sometimes what you're hunting for has been right in front of you all along....
©2013 Robyn Peterman (P)2017 Audible, Inc.
Fashionably Dead and Wed
Summary
I know I'm already mated.... I wanna get married. What do you get when you combine a three-headed monster named Charles; a rotund, gay, dancing Demon named Doug; a culinary disaster baked by Mother Nature; a celibate premarital councilor named Jeff; an offer from Satan that's impossible to refuse; and Steve Perry? You get the royal wedding from hell - or, to be more accurate, possibly in hell. All I want to do is marry the Vampyre of my dreams, with my closest friends and family in attendance. Yep, I know nuptials in the undead world are unheard of, but I'm still hanging on to my humanity if only by a thread. Being mated is great, but getting married is important to me. Tacky invitations and cake that causes food poisoning aside, I also need to deal with the stream of Demons entering my world from mysteriously opened portals. Not to mention Angel Jeff is going to fail us on the premarital test if we participate in any nookie before the wedding. I'm trying really hard not to go bridezilla on everyone. With five days to plan the wedding, I have to figure out who's opening the portals and deal with our hostile allies who think our wedding is a farce. It's been a very difficult week - especially the no nookie part. All I know is this: I will say "I do" on Saturday even if I have to go to hell and back to accomplish it.
©2016 Robyn Peterman (P)2016 Audible, Inc.
Fashionably Dead Down Under
Summary
Welcome to Hell. Literally. The Hell where the Prince of Darkness is hotter than Hades, Hell Hounds smell like brownies, and the Seven Deadly Sins are addicted to Facebook.... Not to mention the soundtrack in the Underworld is Journey. For real. I should have known no good could come from offing my parents in the space of 20 minutes no matter how psychotic and evil they were.... Now I find out my family tree includes almost every deity and mythological being alive while Ethan, the one and only love of my undead life, has a limited time down under before he turns to dust. In the land of Sin, you'd think I'd get some nookie time with my man, but no. Baby Demons, cousins, and grandparents put the kibosh on that. Blue balls are the new normal. What the hell does a half-Vampyre/half-Demon have to do to catch a break? Apparently find a freakin' sword, calm Mother Nature's unmedicated mood swings, and make sure Mr. Rogers keeps his sticky fingers to himself during weekly poker with the Devil. And I have three days to do it. By all that's unholy, I thought Ethan's Vampyre family was crazy.... Trust me, they have nothing on the Demons.
©2014 Robyn Peterman (P)2016 Audible, Inc.
Cop a Feel
Summary
When you get time off for bad behavior, romance is the last thing on your mind - but good old-fashioned lust is a whole different story.... Life undercover isn't exactly one big party - not when you're a DEA agent - but it sure beats a desk job. Except when you screw up big and someone has to go in and clean up after you. In that case, even paper-pushing sounds better than babysitting an erotic romance writer with as many enemies as there are euphemisms for "throbbing manhood". I've been taking down drug dealers for so long, playing bodyguard to a woman named Shoshanna Lehump sounds like nothing more than a giant pain in my ass - and being partnered with the gorgeous egotistical jerk I never should have slept with in the first place just makes a bad situation even harder - especially when he pursues me as diligently as we're supposed to be chasing the bad guys.... What's a girl have to do to get a happy ending anyway?
©2014 Robyn Peterman (P)2017 Audible, Inc.
Fashionably Dead in Diapers
Summary
And I thought being half Vampyre/half Demon was hard.... That's nothing compared to being a mother. Sweet baby Moses in a boob tube, there aren't any books on raising True Immortals, so let me give you a few tips.... Make a map of every closet and bathroom in your home if you enjoy having sex. Sleep deprivation can cause confusion, and a map will help if you have only seven minutes and 31 seconds. You're welcome. Parenting books are useless if you're not human. If your child is half Vampyre/half Demon, I would suggest not using parenting books at all - they can backfire like a mother humper. Trust me on this. Have sex. When your child tells you he has an imaginary friend, do not discount this as fantasy. Oftentimes your child isn't imagining anything. If he persists with alarming and violent stories about this fictional buddy, it's probably a Troll. Do a thorough search of your home, and kill it. Decapitation works best. Some imaginary friends are harmless. However, it's wise not to take chances. Have sex again. When in large crowds, make sure you hold tight to your child's hand. Losing a child in an amusement park is terrifying. If you're truly paranoid, you could consider putting a chip in your child. If you do this, don't discuss it at dinner parties. People will think you are weird. At least cuddle. Playing with dolls is fun. Being one? No so much. If your child ever finds a Genie in a bottle, flush it immediately. Many children wish for things that are very difficult to reverse...like being doll sized. If this happens, move to Oz. There are many people of small stature there. And yes, it really does exist. Find a closet, and go to town.
©2015 Robyn Peterman (P)2016 Audible, Inc.
Hell on Heels
Summary
Where does a Demon go when she gets deported from Hell? Kentucky. Eden, Kentucky, to be more specific - where nothing is exactly as it seems. My name is Dixie. I'm a Demon - a lousy Demon. I'm a 21-year-old virgin, and I have a battery-operated boyfriend. My magic is iffy at best and downright dangerous at worst. Leaving Hell to represent my race is not high on my list of things to do. Hell was exact. Hell was simple. All I want to do is get to home base with the hotter-than-Hades Demon of my dreams and work on my dark side so Satan, my dad, will get off my ass. Instead I end up in Kentucky looking for the Balance of Chaos, avoiding pole dancing classes with Mother Nature, and finding out my invisible friend is a silver-skinned destructive weather pattern. And if that isn't craptastic enough, the damn Sword of Death is missing again, and whoever has it wants the King of the Underworld dead. Seriously. With new powers emerging daily, keeping my Demon side, horniness, and general disgust under wraps doesn't make it any easier to fit in with the humans. Thankfully my priorities are in line: get laid...save world...try not to blow up kitchen appliances...and get laid again. I am ready to rumble. All I want to do is go back to Hell, but with the balance of good and evil in my hands, I'm stuck in the Garden of Eden. Oh well, what the Hell. Someone has to save the world before there's no world left to save. Might as well be me.
©2014 Robyn Peterman (P)2016 Audible, Inc.
A Fashionably Dead Christmas
Summary
This is a holiday paranormal romantic comedy novella for your listening pleasure! It's Christmas at the Cressida House, and all hell is breaking loose. Tree? Decorated and lit. Elf on a Shelf? Seated with style. Baby Jesus on the mantle? Fourteen neatly in a row. Life-size Nutcracker? Creepy, but standing proud. Invitations sent to entire immortal family to celebrate the holiday? Possibly the stupidest damn thing I've ever done. Mixing heaven and hell on my cousin's famous birthday seemed like such a brilliant idea. I wanted my baby's first Christmas to be special - memorable. I'd like to chalk my heinous idea up to having been falling-down drunk, but that won't fly, as it's insanely difficult for a Vampyre to tie one on. So instead I'll deal with obscene gifts from relatives, kidnapped rock stars, and catering by Mother Nature. To complicate matters, our new family pet thinks the whole house is his toilet. Ethan and I can't even find a room with working lock on the door to spread a little holiday cheer. Never, never again. Christmas from now on will be at a freakin' spa for the undead - no poles for dancing and no slumber parties with the devil. I just have to make it through the next 24 hours without beheading a beloved one. Merry freakin' Christmas - and Happy New Year.
©2015 Robyn Peterman (P)2016 Audible, Inc.
Fashionably Dead and Loving It
Summary
Being an undead princess comes with baggage. And unfortunately, it’s not Prada. Getting shredded in the Daily Fang, The Bloody Times, and The National Dhampir is par for the course in the life of a royal Vampyre - especially mine. However, that’s nothing compared to the shitshow unfolding in my life. My nightmares are coming true. Satan is throwing fits about changing diapers. The Baby Demons are full of cryptic messages. Martha and Jane have a sphincter obsession. There’s a half-naked Demon in my closet with a mouth as foul as mine. On top of all that, we’re hosting Demon-hating royal houseguests. Oh, and did I mention the Vampyre-eating Zombies on the West Coast? With Ethan by my side, along with new friends and a few well-hidden enemies, it’s time to adjust my crown, put a few Vampyres in their place, and kick some Zombie butt. I’m dead. Life is still good. I have unconditional love. And on most days, when I’m not covered in Zombie guts, I’m wildly fashionable. Fashionably dead, that is, and loving it.
©2020 Robyn Peterman (P)2021 Audible, Inc.
Ready to Were
Summary
I never planned on going back to Hung Island, Georgia. Ever. I was a top-notch Were agent for the secret paranormal Council and happily living in Chicago, where I had everything I needed - a gym membership, season tickets to the Cubs, and Dwayne - my gay Vampyre best friend. Going back now would mean facing the reason I'd left, and I'd rather chew my own paw off than deal with Hank. Hank the Tank Wilson was the six-foot-three, obnoxious, egotistical, perfect-assed, best-sex-of-my-life Werewolf who cheated on me and broke my heart. At the time I did what any rational woman would do. I left in the middle of the night with a suitcase, big plans, and enough money for a one-way bus ticket to freedom. I vowed to never return. But here I am, trying to wrap my head around what has happened to some missing Weres without wrapping my body around Hank. I hope I don't have to eat my words and my paw. This novella originally appeared in the Three Southern Beaches collection released in July 2014. This is an extended version of that story.
©2014 Robyn Peterman (P)2017 Audible, Inc.
No Were to Run
Summary
My name is Dima, and I'm a Dragon. I'm also going to die soon. It's a battle I've waged most of my life, but now the odds are looking crappy. Before I go up flames, I have to find a way to save my horde and make sure my secret treasure is safe. There is one way I could stick around a bit longer, but the men I've met aren't exactly lining up to save me. What in hell does a Dragon Princess have to do to find a mate? Offing my father, the reviled Dragon King, would be one way to go. He has a penchant for eliminating any male who shows interest - not to mention he's been trying to kill me for almost 500 years. So my brilliant plan is to take out my father in a blaze of glory - pun intended. However, I have to suck it up and do some stuff I don't want to do. For example, getting along with Dragons who don't trust me is a horrific challenge even though we share the same goal. That's why I aligned myself with the ragtag pack of shifters who accepted me and my secret treasure unconditionally. They're my friends now, and I'm keeping them. I'll fry anyone who dares to speak against my Werewolves, my Werecows, and the fabulous gay Vampyre named Dwayne. Unfortunately the Weres who love me don't have the kind of firepower I need to take out my father. To get that I have allied myself with a dangerous group of Dragons known as The Resistance. Staying away from the sexy, pompous, fire-breathing blowhard of a leader is turning out to be a full-time job. And no...he's not even in the running for the mate. Mutual incineration would be inevitable - or sexual combustion. You see...Dragons aren't the easiest of the species to get along with. You can dress us up and take us out, but at the end of the day we're still the idiots who like a little friendly bloodshed and sex - make that lots of sex. My life keeps getting more and more complicated, but I've run out of options. I'm about to run out of time, too. I'm learning there's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide from destiny.
©2016 Robyn Peterman (P)2017 Audible, Inc.
Fashionably Fabulous
Summary
Once upon a time there lived a Fairy. And not just your run of the mill kind of Fairy. The reincarnated Fairy Queen of Zanthia. The Queen. She was a modern woman - a human no less. Armed with a potty mouth, a firm grasp of every note in Michael Jackson’s song catalogue, and some friends in very high places, she was set. Yet this Queen wasn’t exactly sure she wanted the job. Fine...it’s me. I’ve been happily human for 30 years. Now I’m discovering I’m the reincarnated Fairy Queen over a land chock-full of freaks who want me dead. Awesome. However, I’ll admit the perks are pretty cool. I definitely have more magic in my little pinky than should be allowed by law in any universe. Not to mention, the love of my life is a Fairy so smokin’ hot, he makes Hell look like a Winter Wonderland. Problem is, my hotter-than-Hades Fairy is imprisoned in Zanthia for nefarious reasons I won’t go into, but now I must head back to that crap hole where I’m the Queen, and save the damn day. I won’t go alone. Nope. I’m packing a narcissistic Mini Elf, two ancient singing Vampyres who couldn’t carry a tune if their undead lives depended on it, and the sister of my imprisoned love, The Kev. For him, I vow to discover my truth. Consequently, I’m unsure if this truth is meant to save or destroy. What I do know? The alternative is unacceptable. Fairy tales are meant to have happy endings. I’m determined to make that a reality. Ready or not…here comes the freakin’ Fairy Queen.
©2018 Robyn Peterman (P)2019 Audible, Inc.
Switching Hour: Magic and Mayhem Book One
Summary
Released from the magic pokey and paroled with limited power is enough to make any witch grumpy. However, if you throw in a recently resurrected cat, a lime-green Kia, and a sexy egotistical werewolf, it's enough to make a gal fly off the edge. Not to mention a mission...with no freaking directions. So here I sit in Asscrack, West Virginia, trying to figure out how to complete my mysterious mission before All Hallows Eve when I'll get turned into a mortal. The animals in the area are convinced I'm the Shifter Whisperer (whatever the hell that is) and the hotter-than- asphalt-in-August werewolf thinks I'm his mate. Now apparently, I'm slated to save a bunch of hairy freaks of nature? If they think I'm the right witch for the job, they've swallowed some bad brew.
©2015 Robyn Peterman (P)2016 Robyn Peterman
Fashionably Forever After
Summary
A movie deal for the devil's autobiography slash romance? Priceless. Maybe I should choose George Clooney to play me in the movie.... No. Too gray. As much as I can't see anyone playing me but me, I have far more important issues on my agenda - like finding the woman who stole my soul. Well, not exactly stole.... I might have made the switch and taken hers, but the siren Elle Rinoa has my soul nonetheless. Maybe Brad Pitt would be a good Lucifer.... No. Too blond. Fate and I are on a crash course with destiny, looking for the one woman who can change both of our lives - mine for the better, Fate's for the worse. Never in my wildest imaginings did I think the devil could have a happily ever after, but now I have hope. Maybe Jamie Dornan would do me justice.... No. Fifty shades of wrong. Armed with a tremendously bad attitude and with my two grumpy nieces in tow, I will find my woman and make her stay - even if I have to cuff her to me for the rest of eternity. Elle Rinoa is mine, and as soon as she sees everything my way we will be fine. Maybe Dwayne Johnson would be an excellent Satan.... No. Too bald. Whatever. With my insane mother proposing a disturbingly psychotic plan to find my girl and my father breaking every appliance in heaven and hell, I feel I have no choice but to go with my mother's half-baked scheme. I've done crazy, but this one will take the cake or put me six feet under - for real. How about Joe Manganiello playing me? No. I'm prettier. My siren doesn't know what's about to hit her. I play for keeps, and I play to win. Of course I cheat, but that's neither here nor there. It's showtime, folks.
©2018 Robyn Peterman (P)2018 Audible, Inc.
Some Were in Time
Summary
Planning my own wedding should mean I'm having the time of my life...not defending it every time I turn around. Dragons, feral Wolves and Were Cows...I mean who in the hell knew Were Cows even existed? All I wanna do is marry Hank, have 2.5 beautiful little Werewolf babies, and live happily ever after while having sex on a very regular basis. Oh...and I still want to shoot stuff occasionally. Apparently no one got the memo. Instead of complaining about the price of flowers, cakes, and the fact that my gay Vampyre BFF, Dwayne, insists on wearing a dress at my nuptials, I'm locked and loaded, trying to ascertain who wants my ass six feet under. With Hank at my side and some surprising allies at our disposal, we will take on the bad dudes...one bloody clusterhump of a sucktastic battle at a time. No one ever said the Werewolf life was going to be easy, but this week we couldn't catch a break if it bit us in the ass.
©2015 Robyn Peterman (P)2017 Audible, Inc.
Witch Glitch
Summary
Witches and glitches and testicle-obsessed cats...Oh my. One dilemma down and approximately 74,876,283 to go. I think being the Shifter Whisperer is hard - or Shifter Wanker as I enjoy referring to my new job - but healing wounded Shifters is easy compared to finding and eliminating the lurking freaking evil. Throw in a ghost, a potentially explosive ex-cellmate, a long lost dad and a smokin' hot werewolf who's convinced he's my mate, and suddenly it's party time - from hell. And this is my mission? Life is getting messy and I don't do messy. With feelings I didn't know I was capable of having, and the word love being thrown around like a football on Super Bowl Sunday, poofing away with a magical twitch of my nose is becoming more appealing by the moment. But to show I'm not a weenie, I'm gonna pull up my big girl panties and hurl some fireballs at Baba Yaga's older-than-dirt warlock posse if they don't pony up the info I need. If I don't burn the town of Assjacket down while trying to save it, I'm donning my red cape and playing who's the big bad wolf with a for real wolf who's hotter than any fireball. I just pray to the Goddess my heart doesn't get burned in the process....
©2015 Robyn Peterman (P)2016 Robyn Peterman
A Tale of Two Witches
Summary
Three waxed cats, one Cookie Witch, a Brazilian gone bad, and the last name Bermangoggleshitz...not the best ingredients for a successful spell. Or is it? Avoiding the truth has been working out just fine for most of my life. I'm finally happy. I have friends and a kangaroo shifter who adores me. Never in my 29 witchy years did I think I would have a place to call home with people who truly cared. Now my BFF, Zelda, wants to have a chat. Can't crappy news wait? As soon as my varnished Virginia is mobile, I want to go home to my adorable little house I share with the love of my life and my four semi-violent, adopted, gum-smacking chipmunk shifter sons. But, noooooooo.... Instead of enjoying a bouncy romp of nookie with my marsupial man whose last name I should really find out, I have to deal with an odiferous, butt-ugly, dead-beat, evil warlock of a dad named Bermangoggleshitz - the very same douchecanoe that tried to kill my rodent children. Not to mention, said sperm donor has called up a Legion of demons from the Underworld. Fanfreakintastic. So armed with my questionable intellect, a shaky handle on the French language and a penchant for blowing up buildings, I'm gonna grab this problem by the nuts and squeeze - like a Brazilian times...whoops, bazillion. That French gets me every time. I will have my happily ever after no matter what or my name's not Sassy Louise...umm...Bermangoggleshitz.
©2017 Robyn Peterman (P)2017 Robyn Peterman
Fashionably Fooled
Summary
A day in the life of the Devil should be exhilarating - lying, stealing, cheating at poker, and finally beating Mr. Rogers.... Life should be wonderful. Right? Wrong. The love of my dastardly immortal life is eating everything that isn't nailed down and tried to behead me over a chocolate croissant. While I take chocolate croissants very seriously, I do believe decapitation is somewhat harsh. My daughters, the Seven Deadly Sins, are driving me to drink. Getting them mated off and the hell out of Hell is at the top on my agenda. The one thing that is keeping me sane - sane being a relative word - is my upcoming special day. After living a millennium and never knowing the date I came to be, I have sussed out the information from my certifiably insane, pole-dancing mother. She's swears on her empty head that my birthday is April 1. Soon, April 1 will mean something. I'm no fool. I plan to make my birthday far more famous than my do-gooder nephew's. That day in December will be forgotten when I get done making my womb eviction day the most important in the history of the Universe. I shall simply go about business as usual. Punishments must be doled out and chaos must be encouraged. A vacation would be lovely, but there is no rest for the weary...or the evil. Luckily I know how to have an outstanding time doing outrageously bad things. Thank Hades, I'm a handsome bastard. Oh, and happy birthday to me.
©2020 Robyn Peterman (P)2020 Audible, Inc.
Were Me Out
Summary
Why do I have to have my tail in a knot for the one hot, sexy Werewolf who can't seem to keep his Johnson in his pants? I'm a nice girl - really I am. I'm just a typical computer-hacking, knife-throwing, Star Trek-obsessed, overeducated Werewolf nerd who can't seem to get her love life to compute. However, it's time to grow up and face the music or, more accurately, the man I'm in love with...Junior, aka Jacob Wilson - the Alpha of the Georgia Pack. First I'll have to stand up to some nasty gals whose pants are so tight I can see their religion. Then I'll claim my man. What should be an easy feat gets sucktastic when you throw in a 300-year-old fabulous gay Vampyre, an antiquated motherboard from the '90s, and a challenge from the vicious, deadly Alabama Pack. Not to mention a libido that is out of control. Mine. So I'm just gonna dive in - headfirst and eyes closed. Love conquers all. Right? As long as reality doesn't wear me out, I plan to win.
©2017 Robyn Peterman (P)2017 Audible, Inc.