Cover art for Running with Scissors

Running with Scissors

17 ratings

Summary

Running with Scissors is the true story of a boy whose mother (a poet with delusions of Anne Sexton) gave him away to be raised by her psychiatrist, a dead-ringer for Santa and a lunatic in the bargain. Suddenly, at age 12, Augusten Burroughs found himself living in a dilapidated Victorian in perfect squalor.  The doctor's bizarre family, a few patients, and a pedophile living in the backyard shed completed the tableau. Here, there were no rules, there was no school. The Christmas tree stayed up until summer, and Valium was eaten like Pez. And when things got dull, there was always the vintage electroshock therapy machine under the stairs.... Running with Scissors is at turns foul and harrowing, compelling and maniacally funny. But above all, it chronicles an ordinary boy's survival under the most extraordinary circumstances. Running with Scissors acknowledgments: Gratitude doesn't begin to describe it: Jennifer Enderlin, Christopher Schelling, John Murphy, Gregg Sullivan, Kim Cardascia, Michael Storrings, and everyone at St. Martin's Press. Thank you: Lawrence David, Suzanne Finnamore, Robert Rodi, Bret Easton Ellis, Jon Pepoon, Lee Lodes, Jeff Soares, Kevin Weidenbacher, Lynda Pearson, Lona Walburn, Lori Greenburg, John DePretis, and Sheila Cobb.  I would also like to express my appreciation to my mother and father for, no matter how inadvertently, giving me such a memorable childhood. Additionally, I would like to thank the real-life members of the family portrayed in this book for taking me into their home and accepting me as one of their own. I recognize that their memories of the events described in this book are different than my own. They are each fine, decent, and hard-working people.  The book was not intended to hurt the family. Both my publisher and I regret any unintentional harm resulting from the publishing and marketing of Running with Scissors.  Most of all, I would like to thank my brother for demonstrating, by example, the importance of being wholly unique. 

©2002 Augusten Burroughs (P)2002 Audio Renaissance, a Division of Holtzbrinck Publishers LLC

Length: 7 hrs and 37 mins
Available on Audible
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Possible Side Effects

4 ratings

Summary

From the million-copy best-selling author of Running with Scissors comes Augusten Burrough's most provocative collection yet. This audiobook is approved by those seeking pleasure, escape, amusement, enlightenment, or general distraction. It is not approved to treat disorders such as eBay addiction or incessant blind dating. In some studies, people reported inappropriate, convulsive laughter, a tingling sensation in the limbs, and sudden gasping. Fewer than 1 percent reported narcolepsy. This audiobook has been shown to be especially helpful to those with parents, grandparents, life partners, and incontinent dogs. Do not operate heavy machinery while listening to this program, until you know what effects it may have on you. Ask your doctor about Possible Side Effects.

©2006 Island Road, LLC (P)2006 Audio Renaissance, a division of Holtzbrinck Publishers, LLC

Length: 9 hrs and 57 mins
Available on Audible
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Dry

30 ratings

Summary

You may not know it, but you've met Augusten Burroughs. You've seen him on the street, in bars, on the subway, at restaurants: a twentysomething guy, nice suit, works in advertising. Regular. Ordinary. But when the ordinary person had two drinks, Augusten was circling the drain by having twelve; when the ordinary person went home at midnight, Augusten never went home at all. Loud, distracting ties, automated wake-up calls and cologne on the tongue could only hide so much for so long. At the request (well, it wasn't really a request) of his employers, Augusten lands in rehab, where his dreams of group therapy with Robert Downey Jr. are immediately dashed by grim reality of fluorescent lighting and paper hospital slippers. But when Augusten is forced to examine himself, something actually starts to click and that's when he finds himself in the worst trouble of all. Because when his thirty days are up, he has to return to his same drunken Manhattan life - and live it sober. What follows is a memoir that's as moving as it is funny, as heartbreaking as it is true. Dry is the story of love, loss, and Starbucks as a Higher Power.

©2003 Augusten Burroughs; ©2003 by Audio Renaissance, a division of Holtzbrinck Publishers, LLC

Length: 8 hrs and 42 mins
Available on Audible
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This Is How

9 ratings

Summary

From the #1 New York Times best-selling author of Running With Scissors comes a groundbreaking book that explores how to survive the "un-survivable" and will challenge your notion of self-help books. To say that Augusten Burroughs has lived an unusual life is an understatement. From having no formal education past third grade and being raised by his mother’s psychiatrist in the seventies to enjoying one of the most successful advertising careers of the eighties to experiencing a spectacular downfall and rehab stint in the nineties to having a number one bestselling writing career in the new millennium, Burroughs has faced humiliation, transformation and everything in between. This Is How is his no-holds-barred book of advice on topics as varied as: How to feel like crap How to ride an elevator How to be thin How to be fat How to find love· How to feel sorry for yourself How to get the job How to end your life How to remain unhealed How to finish your drink How to regret as little as possible And much more Told with Burroughs's unique voice, black humor, and in-your-face advice, This is How is Running With Scissors - with recipes.

©2012 Augusten Inc. (P)2012 Macmillan Audio

Available on Audible
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Toil & Trouble

10 ratings

Summary

"...on top of everything else, the audiobook features a multi-textural and atmospheric full-cast performance.... This is a wild, spookily engaging take on a memoir from an iconic writer." (Paste) From the number-one New York Times best-selling author comes another stunning memoir that is tender, touching...and just a little spooky. "Here’s a partial list of things I don’t believe in: God. The Devil. Heaven. Hell. Bigfoot. Ancient aliens. Past lives. Vampires. Zombies. Homeopathy. Bigfoot. Canola oil, because there's no such thing as a canola. Note that 'witches' and 'witchcraft' are absent from this list. When really they should be right there at the top. The thing is, I wouldn’t believe in them, and I would privately ridicule any idiot who did, except for one thing: I am a witch." (From Toil & Trouble) For as long as Augusten Burroughs could remember, he knew things he shouldn't have known. He manifested things that shouldn't have come to pass. And he told exactly no one about this, save one person: his mother. His mother reassured him that it was all perfectly normal, that he was descended from a long line of witches, going back to the days of the early American colonies. And that this family tree was filled with witches. It was a bond that he and his mother shared - until the day she left him in the care of her psychiatrist to be raised in his family (but that's a whole other story). After that, Augusten was on his own. On his own to navigate the world of this tricky power; on his own to either use or misuse this gift. From the hilarious to the terrifying, Toil & Trouble is a chronicle of one man's journey to understand himself, to reconcile the powers he can wield with things with which he is helpless. There are very few things that are coincidences, as you will learn in Toil & Trouble. Ghosts are real, trees can want to kill you, beavers are the spawn of satan, houses are alive, and in the end, love is the most powerful magic of all.  "[Toil & Trouble] is fully brought to life in a complete and unabridged 'theatre of the mind' audio book experience by the narrative team of Augusten Burroughs, Anne Bobby, Robin Miles, and Gabra Zackman." (Midwest Book Review)

©2019 Augusten Inc. (P)2019 Macmillan Audio

Available on Audible
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A Wolf at the Table

4 ratings

Summary

Millions of listeners have been flat-out astonished, profoundly moved, and massively entertained by the writing of Augusten Burroughs. Now, with A Wolf at the Table - his first full-length memoir in five years - Augusten returns to his literary roots as one of the most famous memoirists of our time, yet he makes a quantum leap forward into untapped emotional terrain: the radical pendulum swing between love and hate, the unspeakably terrifying relationship between father and son. A Wolf at the Table is the story of Augusten's relationship with his father, John Robison, Sr., a man only briefly touched upon in Running With Scissors. Told with shocking honesty and penetrating insight, A Wolf at the Table is more than the companion volume to Running with Scissors - it's a story of stunning psychological cruelty and the redemptive power of hope. Featuring exclusive, all new original songs by Patti Smith, Sea Wolf, Ingrid Michaelson, and Tegan Quin of Tegan and Sara.

©2008 Island Road, LLC (P)2008 Macmillan Audio

Length: 9 hrs and 11 mins
Available on Audible
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Magical Thinking

2 ratings

Summary

A contest of wills with a deranged cleaning lady. The execution of a rodent carried out with military precision and utter horror. Telemarketing revenge. A different kind of "roof work". Dating an undertaker who drives a mini-van. This is the fabric of Augusten Burroughs's life: a collection of true stories that are universal in their appeal yet unabashedly intimate, stories that shine a flashlight into both dark and hilarious places. With Magical Thinking, Augusten Burroughs goes where other memoirists fear to tread.

©2004 Island Road, LLC (P)2004 Audio Renaissance, a division of Holtzbrinck Publishers, LLC

Length: 7 hrs and 48 mins
Available on Audible
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Lust & Wonder

3 ratings

Summary

"Burroughs has lived this story, so his delivery perfectly matches the tone and pacing needed. Focusing on a series of failed relationships, Burroughs lets his voice rise in both tension and tenor as he analyzes the reasons, with help from analysis, that some relationships work and others are doomed by the personal quirks of both people." - AudioFile Magazine The instant New York Times best-seller from renowned author Augusten Burroughs. Lust: 1. intense sexual desire or appetite 2.a passionate or overmastering desire or craving 3.ardent enthusiasm; zest; relish. Wonder: 1. something strange and surprising; a cause of surprise, astonishment, or admiration 2. the emotion excited by what is strange and surprising; a feeling of surprised or puzzled interest, sometimes tinged with admiration 3. a miraculous deed or event; remarkable phenomenon From the beloved #1 New York Times best-selling author comes an intimate look at the driving forces in one man's life. With Augusten's unique and singular observations and his own unabashed way of detailing both the horrific and the humorous, Lust and Wonder is a hilariously frank audiobook memoir that his legions of fans have been waiting for. His story began in Running with Scissors, endured through Dry, and continues with this memoir, the capstone to the life of Augusten Burroughs. Funny, sweet, alarming, and ultimately, moving and tender, Lust & Wonder is an experience of an audiobook that will resonate with anyone who has loved and lost and loved again.

©2016 Augusten Inc. (P)2016 Macmillan Audio

Length: 8 hrs and 43 mins
Available on Audible