Cover art for Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

18 ratings

Summary

Life doesn't get more hilarious than when Chelsea Handler takes aim with her irreverent wit. Who else would send all-staff emails to smoke out the dumbest people on her show? Now, in this new collection of original essays, the number-one best-selling author of Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea delivers one laugh-out-loud moment after another as she sets her sights on the ridiculous side of childhood, adulthood, and daughterhood. Family moments are fair game, whether it's writing a report on Reaganomics to earn a Cabbage Patch doll, or teaching her father social graces by ordering him to stay indoors. It's open season on her love life, from playing a prank on her boyfriend (using a ravioli, a fake autopsy, and the Santa Monica pier) to adopting a dog so she can snuggle with someone who doesn't talk. And everyone better duck for cover when her beach vacation turns into matchmaking gone wild. Outrageously funny and deliciously wicked, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang is good good good good! Being unpopular: "My parents couldn't have been more unreasonable when it came to fads or clothes that weren't purchased at a pharmacy." Living with her boyfriend: "He's similar to a large toddler, the only difference being he doesn't cry when he wakes up." Appreciating her brother: "He's a certified public accountant, and I have a real life." Arm-wrestling a maid of honor: "It wasn't her strength that intimidated me. It was the starry way her eyes focused on me, like Mike Tyson getting ready to feed." PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying reference material will be available in your Library section along with the audio.

©2010 Chelsea Handler (P)2014 Hachette Audio

Narrator: Chelsea Handler
Length: 4 hrs and 23 mins
Available on Audible
Cover art for Uganda Be Kidding Me

Uganda Be Kidding Me

38 ratings

Summary

Wherever Chelsea Handler travels, one thing is certain: she always ends up in the land of the ridiculous. Now, in this uproarious collection, she sneaks her sharp wit through airport security and delivers her most absurd and hilarious stories ever. On safari in Africa, it's anyone's guess as to what's more dangerous: the wildlife or Chelsea. But whether she's fumbling the seduction of a guide by not knowing where tigers live (Asia, duh) or wearing a bathrobe into the bush because her clothes stopped fitting seven margaritas ago, she's always game for the next misadventure. The situation gets down and dirty as she defiles a kayak in the Bahamas, and outright sweaty as she escapes from a German hospital on crutches. When things get truly scary, like finding herself stuck next to a passenger with bad breath, she knows she can rely on her family to make matters even worse. Thank goodness she has the devoted Chunk by her side - except for the time she loses him in Telluride. Complete with answers to the most frequently asked traveler's questions, hot travel trips, and travel etiquette, none of which should be believed, Uganda Be Kidding Me has Chelsea taking on the world, one laugh-out-loud incident at a time. PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying reference material will be available in your Library section along with the audio.

©2014 Chelsea Handler (P)2014 Hachette Audio

Narrator: Chelsea Handler
Length: 5 hrs and 14 mins
Available on Audible
Cover art for Life Will Be the Death of Me

Life Will Be the Death of Me

779 ratings

Summary

NUMBER ONE NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER • The funny, sad, super-honest, all-true story of Chelsea Handler’s year of self-discovery - featuring a nerdily brilliant psychiatrist, a shaman, four Chow Chows, some well-placed security cameras, various family members (living and departed), friends, assistants, and a lot of edibles A SKIMM READS PICK •  “This will be one of your favorite books of all time.” (Amy Schumer) In a haze of vape smoke on a rare windy night in LA in the fall of 2016, Chelsea Handler daydreams about what life will be like with a woman in the White House. And then Donald Trump happens. In a torpor of despair, she decides that she’s had enough of the privileged bubble she’s lived in - a bubble within a bubble - and that it’s time to make some changes, both in her personal life and in the world at large. At home, she embarks on a year of self-sufficiency - learning how to work the remote, how to pick up dog shit, where to find the toaster. She meets her match in an earnest, brainy psychiatrist and enters into therapy, prepared to do the heavy lifting required to look within and make sense of a childhood marked by love and loss and to figure out why people are afraid of her. She becomes politically active - finding her voice as an advocate for change, having difficult conversations, and energizing her base. In the process, she develops a healthy fixation on Special Counsel Robert Mueller, and through unflinching self-reflection and psychological excavation, unearths some glittering truths that light up the road ahead. Thrillingly honest, insightful, and deeply, darkly funny, Chelsea Handler’s memoir keeps listeners laughing, even as it inspires us to look within and ask ourselves what really matters in our own lives. Praise for Life Will Be the Death of Me “You thought you knew Chelsea Handler - and she thought she knew herself - but in her new book, she discovers that true progress lies in the direction we haven’t been.” (Gloria Steinem) “I always wondered what it would be like to watch Chelsea Handler in session with her therapist. Now I know.” (Ellen DeGeneres)  “I love this book not just because it made me laugh or because I learned that I feel the same way about certain people in politics as Chelsea does. I love this book because I feel like I finally really got to know Chelsea Handler after all these years. Thank you for sharing, Chelsea!” (Tiffany Haddish)

©2019 Chelsea Handler (P)2019 Random House Audio

Narrator: Chelsea Handler
Length: 5 hrs and 25 mins
Available on Audible
Cover art for Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

30 ratings

Summary

In My Horizontal Life, actress and stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler boldly recounted her one-night stands - the good, the bad, and the disastrous. In this wickedly honest new work, she casts the net wider with even funnier results, recalling the most noteworthy highs and lows of her life to date - including her efforts to diversify by dating red-haired men, her obsession with midgets, and the dog-sitting interlude in which her boyfriend became overly familiar with a Peekapoo. Whether it's a vacation with her dad during which he tells airline staff they're a honeymoon couple in order to get an upgrade, or her elaborate attempts to convince her third-grade classmates that she's starring in a Private Benjamin sequel, Chelsea lets it rip in these relentlessly entertaining essays. Displaying the candor and irresistible turn of phrase that have earned her a recurring stint as a correspondent on The Tonight Show as well as her own E! series, Chelsea Lately, this deliciously skewed collection is a guilty pleasure.

©2008 Chelsea Handler (P)2008 Simon and Schuster, Inc.

Narrator: Chelsea Handler
Length: 6 hrs and 13 mins
Available on Audible
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Note to Self

10 ratings

Summary

In this updated edition, Gayle King introduces brand new notes from: Tracy Morgan, Heather Duckworth, Adam Rippon, François Clemmons, Tammy Duckworth, Alexis Ohanian, and Alex Honnold!  Gayle King shares her favorite inspiring letters from the popular CBS This Morning segment Note to Self, in which 21st-century luminaries pen advice and encouragement to the young people they once were.  What do Congressman John Lewis, Dr. Ruth, Coach K, and Kermit the Frog wish they could tell their younger selves? What about a gay NFL player or the most successful female racecar driver? In Note to Self, CBS This Morning cohost Gayle King shares some of the most memorable letters from the broadcast’s popular segment of the same name. Including essays from such varied figures as Vice President Joe Biden, Oprah, Russell Brand, Kesha, and Maya Angelou - as well as poignant words from a Newtown father and a military widow - Note to Self is a lovely reflection on the joys and challenges of growing up and a perfect gift for any occasion.

©2018 Gayle King (P)2018 Simon & Schuster

Available on Audible