Sean Schemmel has narrated 14 audiobooks on Listento.it by 5 authors, with an average listener rating of 4.8★ across 27 ratings. The most-rated is Sh-t My Dad Says.
Sh-t My Dad Says
Summary
After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, 28-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his 73-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair,” has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him: “That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won’t screw you. Don’t do it for them.” “Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking.” “The worst thing you can be is a liar...Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.” More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern’s philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny’s, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns’ kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh-t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.
©2010 Justin Halpern (P)2010 HarperCollins Publishers
I Suck at Girls
Summary
Audie Award Nominee, Humor, 2013 "Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. Then it ain't the unknown anymore and it ain't scary. Or I guess it could be a shitload scarier." Fans of the number-one best seller Sh*t My Dad Says will recognize the always patient voice of Justin Halpern's dad as it crackles through this hysterical new audiobook. The story begins when Justin announces that he's decided to propose to his girlfriend. "You've been dating her for four years," his dad replies. "It ain't like you found a parallel f**king universe." But eventually he gives Justin some advice: that he should think back over everything he's learned in life about women, relationships, and himself before making his decision. And that's just what Justin does—revisiting everything from his disastrous childhood crushes to the night he finally lost his virginity while working as a dishwasher at Hooters. Full of his dad's patented brand of wisdom, it's also full of new characters just as funny—from his brother, who provides insights into wedding night rituals, to his first boss, who warns Justin to man up: "That's what a man does. He takes his shots and then he scrubs the shit out of some dishes." The result is a pilgrim's progress through the landscape of sex and love—by one of the funniest writers at work today.
©2012 Justin Halpern (P)2012 HarperCollinsPublishers
Marley: Marley Learns a Lesson
Summary
Marley's family has two new kittens - Lucky and Yow-Yow. Marley loves to teach his new friends all about life at the house. But can Marley learn a thing or two from them?
©2013 John Grogan (P)2013 HarperCollins Publishers
Morris and Boris at the Circus
Summary
Morris the Moose has never been to the circus, so his friend Boris takes him there. When the ringmaster invites Morris to be part of the show, the fun begins for everyone - except poor Boris!
©1988 Bernard Wiseman (P)2011 HarperCollinsPublishers
Marley: Not a Peep!
Summary
Jeepers peepers! Cassie’s class hatched chicks at school, and Cassie gets to bring them home for the weekend to share with her family. The chicks are very cute, but will need a lot of attention... which Marley soon finds out. While Cassie is out of the house on a playdate, leaving Marley to babysit, the chicks get loose from their cage and begin to run around the house! Can Marley round up the chicks before Cassie gets back, or will the temptation to have a playdate of his own be too great for him to resist? Find out in this lively story!
©2012 John Grogan (P)2012 HarperCollinsPublishers
Morris the Moose
Summary
The cow, the deer, and the horse have four legs and a tail, just like Morris. But none of these animals is a moose! These different animals have one thing in common—their friendship.
©1970 Bernard Wiseman (P)2011 HarperCollinsPublishers
Morris Goes to School
Summary
Morris the moose can't read or count. So he decides to go to school. Morris is thrilled after a day of A, B, C's, 1, 2, 3's, hoof-painting, and make - believe he can finally count gumdrops!
©1970 Bernard Wiseman (P)2011 HarperCollinsPublishers
Snow
Summary
No one thinks one or two snowflakes will amount to anything. Not the man with the hat or the lady with the umbrella. Not even the television or the radio forecasters. But one boy and his dog have faith that the snow will amount to something spectacular, and when flakes start to swirl down on the city, they are also the only ones who know how to truly enjoy it.
©1998 Uri Shulevitz (P)2009 Macmillan Audio
Marley: Snow Dog Marley
Summary
A family snow day presents Marley with the perfect opportunity for some mischief, but Marley surprises everyone with his good behavior. Could Marley be a natural snow dog?
©2010 John Grogan (P)2011 HarperCollinsPublishers
Marley: The Dog Who Cried Woof
Summary
Woof! Woof! Woof! Marley barks at tricycles. Marley barks at trucks. Marley barks at mailmen... neighbors... even other dogs! His job is to let his family know when important things happen. But after all his barking, when something really important happens, will Marley’s family still pay attention? Beginning readers will enjoy Marley’s hilarious antics in Marley: The Dog Who Cried Woof, the perfect addition to the I Can Read! series inspired by John Grogan’s best-selling picture books.
©2011 John Grogan (P)2011 HarperCollins Publishers
Marley and the Runaway Pumpkin
Summary
Marley’s family has spent months growing a giant pumpkin to take to the fair. When the big day finally arrives, Mommy, Daddy, Cassie, and Baby Louie try to be extra careful with their blue-ribbon pumpkin. But with a dog like Marley around, being careful isn't always enough! Young listenes will love Marley's delightfully destructive antics in this humorous story.
©2010 John Grogan (P)2011 HarperCollinsPublishers
Marley: Strike Three, Marley!
Summary
When Daddy and Cassie go to a baseball game with their dog in tow, Marley not only roots for the home team - he howls! With balls to catch, bats to chew and slobber on, and an entire field to dig up, Marley is having the time of his life. Will the team manage to shoo him off the diamond before Marley's wild ways cost them the game? Marley has won the hearts of millions of dog lovers, thanks to his hilarious antics and unwavering affection. Now the star of a new I Can Read! series, Marley brings his trademark misbehavior to the world of beginning readers.
©2010 John Grogan (P)2011 HarperCollins Publishers
Marley: Marley's Big Adventure
Summary
When Marley's family gets angry at him, Marley runs away from home. Who knew one little dog could get into such big trouble? Will Marley's family find him?
©2009 John Grogan (P)2011 HarperCollinsPublishers
Marley: Messy Dog
Summary
When Mommy decides to surprise Cassie with a newly painted bedroom, she is careful to put Marley in the garage before she gets started. But as soon as her back is turned, Marley ventures into the house to "help." By the time he's done, the messy dog is in need of a little help himself! In this easy-to-follow story, Marley's good intentions lead to a series of mishaps that will entertain and delight young readers.
©2011 John Grogan (P)2011 HarperCollinsPublishers