Jeff Mach has 2 audiobooks on Listento.it, narrated by 2 narrators. The most-rated is There and NEVER, EVER Back Again.
Villains, Villainy & Villainpunk
Summary
Before we begin, you should know: Villainy is apparently contagious. The Writings of Villains are secret runes, innocuous at first glance, but addictive, seductive, and, in the end, ineluctable. Hearing those words aloud? Why, that's just abominable. Quick! Run, before the words can eat you! Contained in this deceptively short volume are many, many little stories, largely in assorted scifi/fantasy/speculative fiction settings (and don't get us started on the Fairy Tales). They're often satirical, frequently sharp-edged, sometimes poison-tipped, and what's worse is, none of them show proper respect and reverence to Heroes, much less Goodness, Truth, and Light. This is clearly Very Bad, and you should stay far away from this book. I mean, you’re familiar with Atlantis, surely? It drowned because its citizens didn’t recognize the basic truth: Words are immensely powerful, and thus need to be trapped beneath layers of fear, shame, guilt, and unhappiness. We need to rely those who seek selflessly to protect us by trying to blot out, censor, cancel, or silence the wrong words; and if all of those Wards and Circles of Protection fail us, we’ve nothing left to fall on except the knowledge that we’re bad people for doing all this listening, and we should feel the most hideous Remorse. Because otherwise.... Otherwise, how will we know which things are acceptable to do, speak, and think? It’s those damn Villainpunks, the Dark Lords, Villains, and Monsters who break rules, disobey, and challenge the ideas of what’s permissible and what’s possible.They’re beasts; unruly, unrulable; rogues, cads, ne’er-do-wells, rakehells, vagabonds, pirates, fiends. And you surely don’t want to be like them. Wait…you do? Damn it, it's too late. The contagion has spread, and you are infected. Well, nothing for it, then. Best buy this book and resign yourself to a life of infamy. Pull up a seat at the bar; first round's on the house.
©2020 Jeff Mach (P)2020 Jeff Mach
There and NEVER, EVER Back Again
Summary
"There is a white wizard, cloaked in spellcraft and guile and a truly astonishing sense of self-righteousness, and he simply will not stop slaughtering The Chosen One until he kills me."
Set in a fantasy world of unmanageable magics and questionable cosmology, There and NEVER, EVER Back Again: A Dark Lord's Journal is the peculiar, blackly satirical tale of the Dark Lord, who is amassing an army of Things of the Night, and awaiting likely death at the hands of:
The Elves: A beautiful, shiny, sociopathic species whose language is entirely sarcasm.
The Dwarves: Doomed hammer-swinging dwellers of the underground.
The Armies of Man: No one tells a better tale, or causes a more rapid extinction.
The White Wizard: Embodiment of all that is good and right; just ask him.
....and
The Chosen One: Victim - sorry, meant to say "Hero" - of a glorious prophecy. The Chosen One is destined to bring down the Dark Lord, if not killed first. In which case, The White Wizard will have to find a replacement. Again.
Behold! A (relatively) epic narration of world-changing events, told from the point of view of the Dark Lord. 'Tis a story of shattering destiny, drinking, arcane secrets, drinking, and battles worth of the Sagas. Well, not the Sagas of Men, but the Orcs have probably got something to say about it. Let's get going; it's time to steal the Sun.
There and NEVER, EVER Back Again is the first novel by Jeff Mach, playwright, event creator, and certified Dark Lord.
©2019 Jeff Mach (P)2019 Jeff Mach