Rick Gualtieri has 27 audiobooks on Listento.it, narrated by 8 narrators, with an average listener rating of 4.5★ across 49 ratings. The most-rated is The Tome of Bill Series - Books 1-4: an Urban Fantasy / Horror Comedy Collection.
The Tome of Bill Series: Books 5-8
Summary
There are reasons we fear the night. Bill Ryder STILL isn’t one of them. This omnibus edition contains the final four books of the best-selling Tome of Bill series. Includes: Goddamned Freaky Monsters (Book 5) An ancient evil, the last remnant of a cult thought long dead, is about to cut a swath of destruction through the world not seen since biblical times. Bill Ryder’s only chance is to muster his friends and every last bit of attitude he can - because if he fails, Hell on Earth will become far more than just a corny saying. Half a Prayer (Book 6) Bill’s been branded a traitor by the vampire race. Now he finds himself fighting off enemies from all sides while warring with his feelings for the woman he loves. Talk about lousy timing for introspection. Bill must rise to the destiny he’s been trying to deny - because if he doesn’t, his love life will be the least of his worries. The Wicked Dead (Book 7) Ordered to storm the vampire stronghold in Boston, Bill must approach the doorstep of the invincible undead warlord he’s destined to face. If he stands tall and faces his fate, the world might just have a chance of surviving. If he fails, an unquenchable evil will destroy everything he knows and loves. Why can’t the end of the world ever be easy? The Last Coven (Book 8) A goddess returned, a war between primal powers, and a prophecy to fulfill. It’s finally time for Bill to master his powers, sort out his relationship woes, and figure out how to survive his date with destiny. Because if he can’t get his act together, the curtain will fall and mankind will be forever plunged into everlasting darkness. Join Bill in these tales full of monsters, mayhem, and foul-mouthed laughs. If you enjoy Jim Butcher, Shayne Silvers, or K.F. Breene then you're in for a bloody good time. Click BUY NOW and dive into the complete series today.
©2017 Rick Gualtieri (P)2017 Rick Gualtieri
The Tome of Bill Series - Books 1-4: an Urban Fantasy / Horror Comedy Collection
Summary
There are reasons we fear the night. He's not one of them. This omnibus edition contains the first FOUR books of the best-selling Tome of Bill series. Includes: BILL THE VAMPIRE (Book 1) Bill Ryder was a dateless geek until he met a girl to die for. So he did. Sadly, that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke as a vampire, but fangs or not, he was still at the bottom of the food chain. Join Bill in this hilarious tale of immortal monsters and the man who's not afraid to flip them off, even if it gets him killed - again. SCARY DEAD THINGS (Book 2) One of the most powerful vampires in the world wants Bill Ryder's head. A pint-sized princess wants the rest of him. All the while, new and powerful forces have begun to emerge from the shadows around him. Are they friend or foe? Knowing Bill's luck, do you even have to ask? THE MOURNING WOODS (Book 3) A war is brewing between vampires and sasquatches. The vampire nation dispatches Bill Ryder to a faraway land to broker peace, but it's not going to be easy. His enemies want him dead and so do some of his allies. HOLIER THAN THOU (Book 4) On the eve of war, The Icon - legendary slayer of the vampire race - has arisen. There's just one small catch: Bill Ryder's in love with her. Now he finds himself in a race to save the person fated to destroy him. Talk about being damned if you do. Join Bill in these tales of myths, monsters, and foul-mouthed laughs. If you enjoy The Dresden Files, The Nate Temple Series, or The Montague & Strong Case Files, then you're in for a bloody good time. Click BUY to enjoy the first half of this complete series TODAY. And don't forget to check out the Tome of Bill Series, Books 5-8 for the rest of Bill's misadventures.
©2013 Rick Gualtieri (P)2015 Rick Gualtieri
Strange Days
Summary
At the edge of chaos, one geek stands tall. Five years ago, dateless dork Bill Ryder somehow saved the world, banishing magic and monsters to the shadows. He thought it was over, that he was finished with that life. Too bad for him, shit’s about to get surreal again. Now the impossible has happened. His goddaughter is conjuring fireballs from thin air and two vampires have shown up at his doorstep looking to kick his ass. A crazed group of ex-wizards are hell-bent on forcing the door between worlds open, intent on letting the nightmares back in, and only Bill and his friends stand in their way. Join him in this hilarious tale of a world teetering on the brink of anarchy and the unlikely hero who’s not afraid to look the madness in the eye and flip it both fingers.
©2019 Rick Gualtieri (P)2019 Rick Gualtieri
Bill the Vampire
Summary
There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them. Bill Ryder was a dateless dweeb...then he died. Unfortunately for him that was just the beginning of his troubles. He awoke to find himself a vampire, one of the legendary predators of the night. Unfortunately for him, he was still at the bottom of the food chain. Now he finds himself surrounded by creatures stronger, deadlier and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst yet, they all want him dead...permanently this time. Bill isn't exactly average, though. A vampire like him hasn't been seen in centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies, and an attitude problem that makes him too damn obnoxious to quit. Join him in this hilarious tale of monsters, mayhem, and the unlikely hero who's not afraid to tell them all off...even if it gets his teeth kicked in.
©2011, 2012 Rick Gualtieri (P)2012 Rick Gualtieri
The Silas Kane Scrolls
Summary
Upon the shores of an ancient sea in a long-forgotten land, the slaves of Kel - the city of tears - cried out for a hero, one who would save them from their tormented existence. What they got was Silas Kane, the most inept paladin to ever defile a holy symbol. Raised by insane monks, he’s out to spread the love of his god...whether or not anyone wants it. With a high tolerance for pain and a dump stat in intelligence, Silas is on a quest to end the suffering of those in need - one way or the other.
©2018 Rick Gualtieri (P)2018 Rick Gualtieri
Everyday Horrors
Summary
One geek against the rising darkness. Bill Ryder is having a hell of a week. Magic is back, one of his friends has been entombed in solid rock, and he once again has no pulse to speak of. Too bad it’s about to get worse. Something is hunting vampires in New York City. A smarmy wizard has been called in to investigate, one with skeletons in his closet and eyes for Bill’s girlfriend. All the while, neolithic horrors - not seen since the dawn of time - are reappearing, wreaking havoc wherever they step. Bill will need to rally his friends, both new and old, if he’s to have any chance of turning the creeping tide of chaos threatening to drown his city. But it won’t be easy. The balance of power in the supernatural hierarchy has been upended, and all the attitude in the world might not be enough to fix it. Bill the vampire is back in Everyday Horrors, the second book in the Bill of the Dead series that puts the comedy back into horror comedy. If you enjoy the snark of Shayne Silvers, Steve McHugh, Michael Anderle, or Jim Butcher, then you're in for one hell of a bloody fun ride.
©2020 Rick Gualtieri (P)2020 Rick Gualtieri
Shingles Audio Collection Volume 1
Summary
Tantor Audio presents six must-listen stories from the horror comedy series Shingles. The collection begins with "The Ghost of Hooker Alley," which introduces listeners to 10-year-old Sarah and six-year-old Tommy. After a quick bus ride into town to buy a gun, Sarah and Tommy think their problems are all but solved. That is, until a creepy weirdo follows them into an alley. But they aren't the only ones in that alley.... "The Monkey's Penis" features Chris, a teenage boy who receives a birthday gift unlike any other. In "Gary's Children," a man's quest for stress relief leads to terror, and an unexpected kidnapping takes place in "Aliens Wrecked Our Kegger." "Zombies Ate My Homework" is set in the middle of a zombie outbreak. Todd, his brother, Andy, his best friend, Tarik, and their tomboy friend, Mikayla are forced to take shelter in the first place they can find - an adult novelty store. In the final story, "The Legend of Jimmy Headshot," the zombie apocalypse is upon us. The dead have risen from their graves to feed upon the flesh of the living, and 12-year-old Jimmy couldn't be happier about it. Contains mature themes.
©2018 Robert Bevan (“The Ghost of Hooker Alley”); copyright 2017 by Steve Wetherell (“The Monkey’s Penis”); copyright 2018 by Rick Gualtieri (“Gary’s Children”); copyright 2018 by Drew Hayes (“Aliens Wrecked Our Kegger”); copyright 2018 by John G. Hartness (“Zombies Ate My Homework”); copyright 2018 by Rick Gualtieri (“The Legend of Jimmy Headshot”) (P)2018 Tantor
Shingles Audio Collection, Volume 3
Summary
Wax On, Whacks Off Nobody likes getting bullied, and Donny has had enough. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he solicits the help of the old Asian man at the end of his street to teach him Karate. During a grueling two days of training, Donny earns belt after belt, until he finally becomes a Karate Master. But there is more to those belts than there seems. Cursed with ancient dark magic, they have a mind of their own. Will Donny be able to stand up to his bullies? Will he be able to overpower the will of the spirit trapped within the cursed belts? Sense and Sensibility and Sasquatch Following the death of their father, sisters Elinor and Marianne Dashwood are sent to toil at a rundown logging camp deep in Kentucky. Faced with the prospect of being married off to Colonel Brandon, the camp's elderly owner, Marianne comes up with the less-than-cunning plan of passing off the murderous man-ape that haunts the nearby forest as her fiance. Both sense and sensibility take a back seat as Willoughby, as the beast is dubbed, tears a swath of destruction through Barton Woods. Can the Dashwood sisters triumph in the face of such carnage to find true love? Contains mature themes.
©2018 Robert Bevan (Wax On, Whacks Off); copyright 2019 by Rick Gualtieri (Sense and Sensibility and Sasquatch) (P)2020 Tantor
Midnite's Daughter
Summary
A child of two worlds - belonging to neither, dangerous to both. All Kisaki really wants is to belong somewhere, but there are few places half demons can safely call home. Raised in isolation within the celestial palace, she longs to escape and explore the strange planet below - Earth. So when an opportunity presents itself, she takes it, inadvertently stealing her mother's greatest treasure in the process - the Blade of Heaven. Exploring a whole new world is terrifying enough, but hot on her heels is her so-called guardian, the tiger-spirit Shitoro. If he catches her, he'll drag her straight back home. She thinks it's to punish her. But in actuality it's to save her. She doesn't know it yet, but there's a very good reason Kisaki has been kept hidden away. Half-breeds such as her are not tolerated by the demon lords. If they find her, they'll stop at nothing to take the blade and use it to erase Kisaki, her mother, and everyone she cares about from existence. A new adult urban fantasy. Midnite's Daughter is book one of the Midnight Girl Saga, a manga inspired fantasy series by Rick Gualtieri - author of Bill the Vampire.
©2017 Rick Gualtieri (P)2017 Rick Gualtieri
The Mourning Woods
Summary
Three words: Vampires versus Sasquatch. Bill Ryder: undead geek, dateless dweeb, and legendary vampire is back in his wildest adventure yet. A war is brewing between ancient enemies from the dawn of time. If it can’t be stopped, the veil will be lifted and all of humanity’s darkest nightmares will be unleashed to wreak havoc. Bill and his friends are the only chance we have... Lord help us all! The vampire nation dispatches Bill to a faraway land to broker peace, but it’s not going to be easy. His enemies want him dead. Hell, some of his allies do too. Danger lurks at every turn and in places where he least expects it. Now Bill must rely on his friends, master his fledgling powers, and use every four-letter word in his arsenal to stop the war, uncover the conspiracy, and solve the mystery that lies at the heart of the Mourning Woods. The Mourning Woods: The Tome of Bill, Part 3 is a foul-mouthed horror hilarity by Rick Gualtieri, author of Bill the Vampire and Scary Dead Things.
©2012 Rick Gualtieri (P)2013 Rick Gualtieri
Half a Prayer
Summary
Terror lurks below and it's about to surface. The end of the world is rapidly approaching, but Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - finds himself with more pressing concerns to worry about: the women in his life. Sidelined from action, he's forced to reevaluate his feelings. Sadly for him, it's a luxury he can ill afford. An unstoppable terror from the dawn of time has awoken deep beneath the Earth and is headed his way. To make matters worse, he's been deemed a traitor by those he thought to be his allies. Now he finds himself fighting off enemies from all sides while warring with his emotions. Talk about sucky timing for introspection. As the world crumbles to pieces around him, Bill must muster his courage, master his powers, and rise to the destiny he's been trying so long to deny - because if he doesn't, his love life will be the least of his worries.
©2015 Rick Gualtieri (P)2015 Rick Gualtieri
The Wicked Dead
Summary
There are reasons we fear the night. Now he must become one of them. Bill Ryder has a powerful destiny. He just never expected it to involve an amnesiac bloodsucker, a bunch of D&D dorks, and a hormonal witch. It's time for the gamer, geek, and legendary vampire to embrace his fate. Ordered to storm the vampire stronghold in Boston, Bill must approach the doorstep of the invincible undead warlord he's destined to face. It's his only chance of stopping Armageddon. As his enemies stand in his way and his allies falter, the vicious beast inside of him wants out. If he stands tall and faces his fate, the world might just have a chance of surviving. If he fails, an unquenchable evil will destroy everything Bill knows and loves. Why can't the end of the world ever be easy? The Wicked Dead is the seventh book in the Tome of Bill saga, a series of foul-mouthed horror comedies with a nasty overbite. If you like bloody fight scenes, geeky in-jokes, and breakneck-paced action, then you'll love Rick Gualtieri's latest installment in the perfect vampire series for the 21st century adult.
©2015 Rick Gualtieri (P)2016 Rick Gualtieri
The Last Coven
Summary
There are reasons we fear the night. He might finally be one of them. A goddess returned, a war between primal powers, and a prophecy to fulfill. That's a lot of crap to heap on anyone's plate, much less a former game programmer from Brooklyn. But that's exactly what Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - has to deal with. Half his friends are missing and those that are left are mired in chaos. Sadly, Armageddon isn't about to give them a breather. The White Mother, a vile evil from the distant past, is amassing her forces to exterminate all who stand in her way - be they human, vampire, or other. Bill and his buddies need to find a way to stop her, while also keeping the other supernatural factions from tearing the world asunder. It's finally time for Bill to master his powers, sort out his relationship woes, and figure out how to survive his date with destiny. Because if he can't get his act together, the curtain will fall and mankind will be forever plunged into everlasting darkness. The Last Coven is the grand finale of the best-selling Tome of Bill saga, an urban fantasy series with a nasty overbite. If you like gory fight scenes, dorky humor, and Bigfoot-sized action, then you'll love Rick Gualtieri's latest installment in this kick-butt vampire series for the 21st century adult.
©2017 Rick Gualtieri (P)2017 Rick Gualtieri
Goddamned Freaky Monsters
Summary
There are reasons we fear the night. Now he's trying to stop them. Three months have passed since the fateful encounter in New York City that ended with the disappearance of Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire. Now he's back - reawakened halfway across the globe with no allies, clothing, or clue as to how he got there. The only thing he's certain of is that his captors plan to use him for their own nefarious ends and don't care how much blood they spill in the process. Escape might be the least of his worries, though. Civilization teeters on the brink of chaos. Mythical beasts, once thought the stuff of fantasy, are breaking through the veil, intent on waging war against mankind. At their forefront stands an ancient evil, the last remnant of a people thought long dead, and it's about to cut a swath of destruction through the world not seen since biblical times. Bill's only chance is to reclaim his life, reconcile with his friends, and muster every bit of attitude he can - because if he fails, Hell on Earth will become far more than just a corny saying.
©2014 Rick Gualtieri (P)2014 Rick Gualtieri
Shining Fury
Summary
Hell hath no fury. At first glance, most see only a shy girl from New York, but to the denizens of the night - vampires, witches, and their ilk - I am a nightmare given flesh, born to raze their kind from this very earth. I am the Icon, the Shining One, the last defender of humanity against the oncoming tide of darkness. They say my coming was foretold, that prophecies speak of a beacon of hope who will light the way during the end days. It is said I am destined to vanquish the last of the Magi, and face the Night Spawn in the final battle for the fate of mankind. If only things could be so easy. Despite all my power, I am afraid. And if I can't conquer my fear, face my demons, and overcome the feelings I have for a man I must destroy, then I shall be utterly consumed and the world will know endless suffering for my failure.
©2016 Rick Gualtieri (P)2016 Rick Gualtieri
Sunset Strip
Summary
My name is Sally. For over 30 years I've prowled the night, one of the undead. In that time I've walked amongst you - a wolf in sheep's clothing - doing unspeakable things, killing countless people. Now, on the eve of Armageddon, a chance for redemption presents itself. My past has come looking for me, beckoning me back to the city of my rebirth. Those who killed me the first time are intent on finishing the job. I'm outnumbered and outgunned, but they've got another thing coming if they think I'm outclassed. Unspeakable horrors, both old and new, await me in the City of Sin, but in the end they're all going to learn one very painful lesson: Payback is a Bitch.
©2013 Rick Gualtieri (P)2014 Rick Gualtieri
Shingles Audio Collection Volume 2
Summary
Tantor Audio presents six must-listen stories from the horror comedy series Shingles. Shingles Audio Collection Volume 2 begins with "Terror on Hypo Beach," in which a family vacation turns out to be anything but ordinary. In "Put Your Hand in My Ass", Will needs a mentor for the upcoming high school talent show. What he gets is Sloppy - an enchanted puppet with weird sexual proclivities and an extremely problematic approach to comedy. The collection continues with "Demon Load". When a freak accident brings his new washing machine to life, Dave begins to fear that it could lead to a nightmare future, one in which mankind has been permanently pressed out of existence. "Slaughter on Giggletime Mountain" brings listeners to the reopening of a long-closed amusement park - one with a deadly history. Then, in "It Came from My Butthole", Cooter, the son of an out-of-work rodeo clown, eats a taco that changes his life forever. In the collection's final story, "Slow Ride", Terry's suddenly way more attractive to members of the opposite sex now that he has Sylvia, his 1979 El Camino. But what happens when the car gets jealous? Contains mature themes.
©2018 Robert Bevan ("Terror on Hypo Beach"); copyright 2018 by Steve Wetherell ("Put Your Hand in My Ass"); copyright 2018 by Rick Gualtieri ("Demon Load"); copyright 2018 by Drew Hayes ("Slaughter on Giggletime Mountain"); copyright 2018 by Robert Bevan ("It Came from my Butthole"); copyright 2018 by John G. Hartness ("Slow Ride") (P)2019 Tantor
Bent Outta Shape
Summary
Half witch, half werewolf, all attitude. My name's Tamara Bentley, and I should be happy to be heading home for the holidays. Too bad tensions between the supernatural forces surrounding my hometown are at an all-time high - witches and werewolves, ancient enemies who would happily slaughter each other. One side fears me, the other doesn't know I exist, and I aim to keep it that way, lest they both decide to find common ground in killing me. Now an offer for peace has been extended, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the two warring races to settle their differences. So, of course, someone is looking to screw it all up. Not only do they want to put an end to the fragile peace before it can even begin, but they're looking to shift the balance of power by blowing open the gates that protect our world from the things that lay beyond. After a surprise attack leaves both sides crippled, me and my friends are the only ones left who can stop to their plans. Sadly, we're outnumbered and outgunned. Even my unique heritage might not be enough to save my family, my friends, and everything I hold dear before Hell itself is unleashed upon the Earth.
©2019 Rick Gualtieri (P)2019 Tantor
Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill)
Summary
There are reasons the undead fear the night... Bill Ryder - gamer, geek, and legendary vampire - has woman troubles. The girl he wants is deadly to him. The girl who wants him is deadly to everyone else. He's trapped in the most lethal love triangle he can imagine and it's only going to get worse. On the eve of war, The Icon - ancient foe of the vampire race - has arisen. Panic is about to break out within the undead ranks and Bill is caught smack dab in the middle of it. Destiny has placed them on a cataclysmic collision course, but there's just one small catch: he's in love with her. Now he finds himself in a race against supernatural assassins to save the person who's fated to destroy him. Talk about being damned if you do... Unsure of his allies and outnumbered by enemies, Bill must dig deep within himself and find the faith to succeed - because if he fails, it'll be more than just his social life in tatters.
©2013 Rick Gualtieri (P)2013 Rick Gualtieri
Get Bent!
Summary
My name is Tamara Bentley, "Bent" to my friends, and I'm not supposed to exist. I was born of the forbidden union between a witch and a werewolf, and they've been trying their damnedest to hide my existence ever since. But now my secret is out, and my uncle, the leader of the wolf pack, is pissed beyond belief. In his eyes, I'm something that should've never been born. He wants me dead and doesn't care who he has to sacrifice to get the job done. I'm far from helpless, though. Not only am I a champion athlete, but I'm strong enough to punch out a bus. Good thing, too, because a rare lunar event is about to increase my uncle's already terrifying power. I'll have to call on every last ounce of strength I have if I want to survive the night and save the lives of everyone counting on me.
©2018 Rick Gualtieri (P)2018 Tantor