Now is not the time to start that fitness program! Instead, laugh along with humorist Dave Barry as he debunks, demotivates, and delights on the subject of fitness. Hear his inimitable views on exercise ("the best time would be the first thing after Easter, but not the one coming up"), weights ("big-time lifters have turned into 400-pound hairy sweaty shapeless grunting masses of tissue. And the men are even worse"), and much more.
Â©1985 Rodale Press (P)1996 by The Audio Partners Publishing Corp.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. Drawing upon everyday incidents, common situations, and rural imagery, Robert Frost fashioned poetry of great lyrical beauty and potent symbolism. His language is simple, clear, and colloquial, yet dense with meaning and wider significance. This brilliant collection features some of Frost's greatest works, including "The Road Not Taken", "Into My Own", "Asking for Roses", "Mending Wall", "The Death of the Hired Man", "In the Home Stretch", "Meeting and Passing", and more. The words of this quintessential American poet come to life in the performances by Alfre Woodard, Arte Johnson, Elliott Gould, Joel Grey, Melissa Manchester, and others.
Public Domain (P)1992, 2014 Dove Audio, Phoenix Books
Andrew Yancy - late of the Miami Police and soon-to-be-late of the Monroe County sheriffâs office - has a human arm in his freezer. Thereâs a logical (Hiaasenian) explanation for that, but not for how and why it parted from its shadowy owner. Yancy thinks the boating-accident/shark-luncheon explanation is full of holes, and if he can prove murder, the sheriff might rescue him from his grisly Health Inspector gig (itâs not called the roach patrol for nothing). But first - this being Hiaasen country - Yancy must negotiate an obstacle course of wildly unpredictable events with a crew of even more wildly unpredictable characters, including his just-ex lover, a hot-blooded fugitive from Kansas; the twitchy widow of the frozen arm; two avariciously optimistic real-estate speculators; the Bahamian voodoo witch known as the Dragon Queen, whose suitors are blinded unto death by her peculiar charms; Yancyâs new true love, a kinky coroner; and the eponymous bad monkey, who with hilarious aplomb earns his place among Carl Hiaasenâs greatest characters. Here is Hiaasen doing what he does better than anyone else: spinning a tale at once fiercely pointed and wickedly funny in which the greedy, the corrupt, and the degraders of whatâs left of pristine Florida - now, of the Bahamas as well - get their comeuppance in mordantly ingenious, diabolically entertaining fashion.
Â©2013 Carl Hiaasen (P)2013 Random House Audio
Better than CliffsNotes, funnier than Monarch Notes, and shorter than the originals - here is a collection of all the best sellers you've heard about! "The Fridges of Marin County": A hip California housewife finds brief happiness in the arms of an Iowa refrigerator "Embarrassed by the Light": A guide for people who are self-conscious about near-death experiences "A Year in Pompeii": Fond pre-Vesuvius anecdotes and recollections "Iron Tom": Help your neutered cat regain his masculinity "The 7 Habits of Highly Defective People": Annoying strategies for getting what you want "The 'Baby You're Hot' Zone": A deadly flesh-eating virus affects Hollywood agents "Listening to Pringles": A psychologist/grocer chronicles his experience in treating depressive patients with prescription junk food And more!
Â©1996 Cathy Crimmins and Tom Maeder (P)1996, 2017 Dove Audio / Phoenix Books
The Greatest Mysteries of All Time, Volume 6 is an exciting addition to this series, featuring the most acclaimed writers, past and present. This unique collection of master writers, including Wilkie Collins, Aldous Huxley, and Edith Wharton, edited by multi-award winning mystery connoisseur Otto Penzler, is a delightful mixture of mystery and suspense.
Â©1998 Phoenix (P)1998 Phoenix
Despite Mercury's desolateness, there are still those who hope to find diamonds in the rough. Saito Yamagata thinks Mercury's position will make it an ideal orbit point for satellites that could someday create enough power to propel starships into deep space. He hires Dante Alexios to bring his dreams to life. Astrobiologist Victor Molina thinks the water at Mercury's poles may harbor evidence of life, and hopes to achieve fame and glory by proving it. Bishop Elliot Danvers has been sent by the religious sect, "The New Morality", to keep close tabs on their endeavors, which threaten to produce results that contradict biblical teachings.
Â©2005 Ben Bova (P)2005 Audio Renaissance, a division of Holtzbrinck Publishers, LLC
How to raise kids who can handle the real world.... Today's Generation iY (teens brought up with the Internet) and Homelanders (children born after 9/11) are overexposed to information at an earlier age than ever and paradoxically are underexposed to meaningful relationships and real-life experiences. Artificial Maturity addresses the problem of what to do when parents and teachers mistake children's superficial knowledge for real maturity. The audiobook is filled with practical steps that adults can take to furnish the experiences kids need to balance their abilities with authentic maturity. Shows how to identify the problem of artificial maturity in Generation iY and Homelanders Reveals what to do to help children balance autonomy, responsibility, and information Includes a down-to-earth model for coaching and guiding youth to true maturity Artificial Maturity gives parents, teachers, and others who work with youth a manual for understanding and practicing the leadership kids so desperately need to mature in a healthy fashion.Â PLEASE NOTE: When you purchase this title, the accompanying PDF will be available in your Audible Library along with the audio.
Â©2012 Tim Elmore (P)2012 Audible, Inc.
Intrigue, crime, and murder create suspense in this edge-of-your-seat collection of cat mystery stories whose plots are all centered on a beloved feline, written by some of the finest, best-selling mystery writers of all time. Full list of authors includes Bill Cridermore and Carolyn Wheat.
Â©1998 Dove Audio (P)2019 Phoenix Books
Harry Beltway, idealistic young conservative and grandson of a famous evangelist, has just come back from a two-years tour as a missionary when he is persuaded to join the campaign staff of Tim Duncannon, an arch-conservative television commentator who has set his sights on the Republican nomination for presidency so that he can build a barbed wire fence around America. As a candidate, Duncannon wows conservative fundamentalist Americans with his promises to protect them from Zulus and wetbacks and his reassurances that school prayer will someday return and abortionists will disappear. Harry must run interference when Duncannon's campaign starts to fall apart after accusations of campaign bullying (Duncannon's brothers are harassing and beating up his opponents), sexual misconduct (Duncannon is discovered having semi-weekly rendezvous with a mysterious blonde), and devil worship (Duncannon is caught channeling the spirit of Richard Nixon, his former boss). Along the way Harry starts a confusing love affair with a fellow campaign worker that turns out to be, literally, a drag.
Â©1996 C.E. Crimmins (P)2009 Phoenix
Arriving home at dawn after another failed burglary, John Dortmunder - the anti-hero of Donald Westlake's popular comic crime series - is shocked to find his apartment occupied by a notorious cellmate everyone had supposed (and hoped) had been jailed for life. Tom Jimson needs Dortmunder's help. Thirty years ago, before his last prison stretch, Tom had pulled a big job up near Albany - a very big job - that left a cool $700,000 in cash buried under a water reservoir in an upstate New York valley. Being the nasty sort of fellow he is, Tom's plan is to blow up the dam, flood the surrounding countryside, and grab the cash. With the fate of 900 small town nobodies hanging in the balance, Dortmunder races against Tom's itchy dynamite finger to formulate an alternative plan for retrieving the loot. Thus begins a convoluted caper, in the Westlake tradition, of misadventure and hilarity.
Â©1990 Donald E. Westlake (P)2009 Phoenix
Sick of working your way to the top? Take Dave Barry's advice and you'll have keys to the executive washroom in no time flat. If you're highly motivated and want the fast track, you can't afford to fritter away valuable time working diligently and competently on the job. America's most popular humorist, Dave Barry, shows you the alternate route, giving you tools to become the head of a major corporation in roughly a week. His surefire tips, from what shirt to wear to how to deal with pesky subordinates, will keep you laughing all the way up the corporate ladder.
Â©1986 by Dave Barry (P)1993 Dove Audio, Inc.
Breathtaking suspense, cold-blooded crime and challenging twists of plot make this collection a chilling audio experience. Featuring the finest short story mystery fiction by the most acclaimed writers, past and present, including: "The Perfect Crime" by Ben Ray Redman, "Quitters, Inc. by Stephen King, "High Darktown" by James Ellroy, "Yours Truly, Jack the Ripper" by Robert Bloch, "Clerical Error" by James Gould Cozzens, "The Gettysburg Bugle" by Ellery Queen , "Last Spin" by Evan Hunter, "Karen Makes Out" by Elmore Leonard , "The Problem of Cell 13" by Jacques Futrelle.
Â©1998 Otto Penzler (P)1998, 2017 Dove Audio / Phoenix Books
When Dave Barry writes funny, you write back. And when you write funny, Dave Barry talks back! Pulitzer Prize-winning author and columnist Dave Barry gets more response from readers than any other writer in the United States. And now the absolute best of Dave Barry is available, complete with those items sent in by Dave's legion of Alert Readers all across the country. But Dave Barry doesn't only talk back to readers. He talks back to traffic cops, dentists, doctors, Congress, and his very dumb dogs. Dave Barry Talks Back is a very funny, quintessentially Barry book that talks back to everybody, including your mom.
Â©1991 by Dave Barry (P)1991 by Dove Audio
Without bothering to get approval from the President, the State Department, or even the FTC, Dave Barry's publishers sent him to Tokyo. You'd think they would have known better. Now the word is Barry has set back our diplomatic relations with the whole Pacific Rim by a couple of decades. Japanese culture, dining, sport, and industry all come under Barry's relentless scrutiny. So if you think President Bush committed a social gaffe by losing his composure and his lunch in front of the Japanese Prime Minister, wait until you hear Barry's commentaries. And if you're planning a trip to Japan, don't leave home without Barry's pearls of wisdom about the mysterious East. This complete, unabridged recording is read by Arte Johnson.
Â©1992 by Dave Barry (P)1992 Dove Audio, Inc.
If you think the wildest, wackiest stories that Carl Hiaasen can tell have all made it into his hilarious, best-selling novels, think again. Dance of the Reptiles collects the best of Hiaasen's Miami Herald columns, which lay bare the stories - large and small - that demonstrate anew that truth is far stranger than fiction. Hiaasen offers his commentary - indignant, disbelieving, sometimes righteously angry, and frequently hilarious - on burning issues like animal welfare, polluted rivers, and the broken criminal justice system as well as the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, Bernie Madoff's trial, and the shenanigans of the recent presidential elections. Whether or not you have read Carl Hiaasen before, you are in for a wild ride.
Â©2014 Carl Hiaasen (P)2014 Random House Audio
What would it take to lure a serious young newswoman from a respectable New England paper to the most notorious supermarket tabloid in America? The call of journalistic adventure? How about a promise of a salary that's triple what she's making? En route to her new job at the Weekly Galaxy, Sara Joslyn stumbles across a bloody corpse in a Buick Riviera. A big story? Not at this paper. The problem is compounded when the dead man vanishes, Buick and all.
Â©1991 Donald E. Westlake (P)2009 Phoenix
This superb collection of nine detective stories focuses on the police procedural genre where crime investigation takes on a sense of reality. Written by masters of the genre, these classic stories include: "Death Makes a Comeback" by James O'Keefe, "Squealer" by John D. MacDonald, "Jode's Last Hunt" by Brian Garfield, "The Man in the Red Flannel Suit" by Jan Grape, "The Vanishing Men" by Edward D. Hoch, "A Contest Fit for a Queen" by Susan Dunlap, "Chee's Witch" by Tony Hillerman, "Ghost Station" by Carolyn Wheat, and "J" by Ed McBain. Edited by Martin Greenberg. Full cast of narrators includes William Sanderson and Shauna Zurbrugg.
Â©1999 Martin Greenberg (P)1999, 2017 Audio Literature / Phoenix Books
The government has been seized by a ne'er-do-well rich boy and his elderly henchmen...Our great economic expansion is unraveling faster than a set of Firestones...Our water is poisoned, the ozone's in shreds, and the SUVs are advancing like a plague of locusts...Remember when everything was looking up? When the government was running at a surplus, pollution was disappearing, peace was breaking out in the Middle East and Northern Ireland, and the Bridge to the Twenty-First Century was strung with high-speed Internet cable and paved with 401K gold?Well, so much for the future. Michael Moore, the award-winning provocateur behind Roger & Me and the best seller Downsize This!, now returns to size up the new century - and that big, ugly special-interest group that's laying waste to the world as we know it: stupid white men. Whether he's calling for United Nations action to overthrow the Bush Family Junta, begging African-Americans to place "whites only" signs over the entrances of unfriendly businesses, or praying that Jesse Helms will get kissed by a man, Stupid White Men is Mike's Manifesto on Malfeasance and Mediocrity. Among his targets:George W.: "'President' of the United States. The Thief-in-Chief. A trespasser on federal land, a squatter in the Oval Office."Bill Clinton: "One of the best Republican presidents we've ever had."The former Yugoslavia: "Bring back Marshall Tito! Nobody in America liked him much when he was alive, but now he looks like Lady Bird Johnson."The idiot nation: "A friggin' stain on a blue dress. That's what captured our attention in the '90s - along with slow-moving Broncos, six-year-old strangled beauty queens, and Hugh Grant's dating habits."Corporate America: "There is no recession, my friends: no downturn, no hard times. The rich are wallowing in loot - and now they want to make sure you don't come a-lookin' for your piece of the pie."
Â©2001 Michael Moore (P)2002 New Millennium Audio, All Rights Reserved
When the Earthâs magnetic poles begin trading places, four scientists will have to race against time to save humanity. Dr. Becky Sorenson has found a cache of frogs with a very high mutation rate...and some odd behaviors. Dr. David Carterâs core earth samples seem to indicate the next polar reversal will be worse than predicted. And CDC researchers Jordan and Jillian are looking at a strange new disease. When the four scientists delve deeper, they discover they are all looking at the leading edge of a sweeping magnetic polar reversal. As humanity ignores their increasingly panicked warnings, the scientists will have to fight to save everyone...if they even can. Resonance is a gripping, science-based thriller that will make you wonder what will happen when the poles really do shift. If youâre ready for a smart ride that will keep you guessing, start listening to Resonance now. Praise for the book: Â "An action-packed thriller. Highly recommended." (Midwest Book Review)
Â©2008 A.J. Scudiere (P)2019 A.J. Scudiere
Dave Barry exposes natural childbirth for what it is: a pop phenomenon of the 1960's that, along with paisley bell-bottoms and creative sideburns, deserves a rest. His new book gives parents-to-be the hard facts they need. He examines the new federal law requiring prospective fathers to free themselves from their self-made macho prison - to laugh, cry, love and just generally behave like certified wimps. Barry reveals, for the first time, the secret chant for painless childbirth. He also reveals why no secret chant could possibly take a woman's mind off the fact that she is in such pain, that she wants a gigantic comet to crash into the earth and kill her and her husband and the doctor and the nurses and everyone else in the world.
Â©2000 Dave Barry (P)2009 Phoenix
Here is the absolute best of Dave Barry; selections from four of his most popular books, including the hilarious Guide to Guys. Dave Barry is on the loose and no one is safe....
Â©1988, 1997 Dave Barry (P)1998, 2014 NewStar Media, Phoenix Books
They are hunting us. In this sweeping, threaded narrative of the global phenomenon known as the Vampire Wars, mankind is unwittingly infected by a millennia-old bacteria unknowingly exhumed by a scientific expedition in Antarctica. Now, in some rare cases, a personâs so-called junk DNA becomes activated. Depending on their racial and ethnic heritage, they begin to manifest one of the many diverse forms of the "others" that are the true basis for the legends of supernatural creatures. These arenât your usual vampires and werewolves - it goes much deeper than that. Conceived by Jonathan Maberry,Â V WarsÂ features stories from various frontlines as reported by such contributors as Nancy Holder, Yvonne Navarro, James A. Moore, Gregory Frost, John Everson, Keith R. A. DeCandido, and Scott Nicholson - as well as Maberry himself, of course. The result is a compelling series of tales that creates a unique chronicle of mankindâs response to this sudden, hidden threat to humanity.
Â©2012 Idea and Design Works, LLC (P)2012 Blackstone Audio, Inc.
Take Audible's July/August Fantasy & Science Fiction collection with you to the beach. It's got rich humor galore, as well as a couple of particularly evocative futures which offer new perspective on these troubled times.We begin with the latest installment of Paul Di Filippo's Plumage from Pegasus column, "Write What You Sell," providing a new twist on literature and publishing.Then, Al Michaud takes us Down East for the annual clambake in "Clem Crowder's Catch," a Maine horror story that will elicit both shivers and laughs.Benjamin Rosenbaum's surreal "Red Leather Tassels" introduces us to the sex life of a very special woodpecker. "Repository" by Carol Emshwiller is an edgy and powerful glimpse into the mind of "the universal soldier." Harlan Ellison reads Harvey Jacobs' existential fish story, "Spawning," with comic restraint.From the pen of the wonderful Pat Murphy comes "Dragon's Gate," a tale about a prince, a minstrel and, of course, a dragon, that sets the entire tradition of such stories on its ear.And finally, Adam-Troy Castro's stunning novella "The Tangled Strings of the Marionettes," explores the nature and purposes of art, humanity, and perhaps life itself.
Â©2003 Spilogale, Inc.
If there's even a smidgen of Scrooge in your psyche, just say, "Bah-Humbug!" and laugh at this satire of the treacly best seller, The Christmas Box. Among the variations on the theme are: The Christmas Vox, in which a young man finds himself having phone sex with Ms. Santa Claus; The Christmas Jury Box, a touching memoir by a sequestered O.J. juror who misses her fruitcake; and The Christmas Box Lunch, the touching tale of a caterer's X-mas. You'll be pleased to learn that the true meaning of Christmas is receiving.
Â©1996 Dove Audio, Inc. and Cathy Crimmins and Tom Maeder (P)1996 Dove Audio, Inc.
With Mr. Spaceman, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Olen Butler has created a magical and humorous contemporary fable that captures the state of humanity at the cusp of a new millennium - as seen through the uniquely sensitive perspective of an empathetic extraterrestrial. The night before the turn of the millennium, a tour bus bound for a Louisiana casino is suddenly beamed inside a spaceship hovering high above Earth's surface. As its 12 passengers emerge nervously from the vehicle, they come face-to-face with the being who has brought them aboard, a 16-fingered, zoot-suited alien named Desi. Over the course of the next 24 hours, Desi will seek their help as he readies himself for the final phase of the mysterious mission he has traveled across the galaxies to fulfill.
Â©2000 Robert Olen Butler (P)2000 Audible Inc.
Abandoned by their ill-humored parents to the care of an odious nanny, Tim, the twins, Barnaby A and Barnaby B, and their sister, Jane, attempt to fulfill their roles as good old-fashioned children. Following the models set in lauded tales from A Christmas Carol to Mary Poppins, the four Willoughbys hope to attain their proscribed happy ending too, or at least a satisfyingly maudlin one. However, it is an unquestionably ruthless act that sets in motion the transformations that lead to their salvation and to happy endings for not only the four children, but their nanny, an abandoned baby, a candy magnate, and his long-lost son, too. This hilarious and decidedly old-fashioned parody pays playful homage to classic works of children's literature.
Â©2008 Lois Lowry (P)2008 Random House, Inc.
Steve Brixton always wanted to be a detective...until he found out he already WAS one. It all starts here: The thrilling story of Steve Bixton's first case. Our hero has a national treasure to recover, a criminal mastermind to unmask, and a social studies report due Monday - all while on the run from cops, thugs, and secret-agent librarians. Since when can librarians rappel from helicopters? Does Steve have any brothers or sisters? If not, then why is this series called The Brixton Brothers? You will solve all these mysteries and many more by the time you finish The Case of the Case of Mistaken Identity. We think you'll agree: Steve Brixton's first adventure is his best adventure yet.
Â©2009 Mac Barnett (P)2009 Listening Library
Yes, it's true: Pulitzer Prize-winning author Dave Barry's columns get out of the paper and sent around more than those of any other columnist in America. Join Dave as he runs for president, plays Claptonesque guitar in the world's most literary band (The Rock-Bottom Remainders), and gets the real scoop on all those UFO sightings. Warning: Dave Barry has a knack for giving his readers a few laughs and lots of expensive merchandise (ordered from the Home Shopping Club). No, we're not making this up!
Â©1994 by Dave Barry (P)1994 by Dove Audio, Inc.
Stories by Seven Renowned American mystery writers offer a delightful mix of mystery, suspense and murder in this new anthology. LUCKI DAY Author: Mary Higgins Clark, Performed by: Betsy Palmer A young bride suspects her husband is somehow involved in a strange disappearance. VAUDEVILLE Author: Whitley Strieber, Performed by: Roddy McDowall An aging vaudeville comedienne dies, but not laughing. PIRATE'S MOON Author: William F. Nolan, Performed by: Perry King A psychic working for the LAPD fails to foresee that a stone-age cannibal cult may be terrorizing the city. STARSTRUCK Author: Jon A. Breen, Performed by James Stacy A group of aging actors is still fatally haunted by the consequences of the McCarthy-era blacklist. SNOOKERED Author: Gerald Tomlinson Performed by: David Birney The story of a new breed of football coach and a team the sportswriters can't ignore. IT WAS BAD ENOUGH Author: Ron Goulart, Performed by: Arte Johnson The tragic story of a comedian trying to make his comeback who learns his ex-wife's tell-all book is about to be filmed. GEE WHIZ, MY LOVELY Author: Betty Buchanan, Performed by: Joan Rivers A bouncy private investigator is invited by a "gorgeous nut" to find an elusive figure named Harvey.
Â©2009 Phoenix (P)2009 Phoenix
For nearly 30 years, Paul Dickson's Toasts has been the the perfect reference for any occasion where one needs to raise a glass. Organized by category, it contains sayings famous and profound, suitable and sentimental. Covering births, weddings, graduations, and other events both major and minor, Dickson also provides a history of the toast, and a guide on how to do it well. Revised for the first time since 1991, this new audio edition of Toasts is as useful as ever.
Â©1981, 1991, 2009 Paul Dickson (P)2012 Audible, Inc.
Retired private detective and current seventh grader Steve Brixton has a new career: taking out the garbage on Wednesdays for five bucks a week. But itâs hard to leave the old game behind, and on a train trip down the California coast, Steve finds himself pulled back into sleuthing. Soon heâs in over his head in four feet and eleven inches of mystery involving a fleet of priceless automobiles, a deadly assassin (or maybe just a faulty lock on a sauna door), and a secret train car filled with intrigue. Plus thereâs a girl involved, which complicates everything. I mean sheâs just Steveâs friend. And really, they barely even know each other. Itâs not like theyâre boyfriend or girlfriend or anything, okay?
Â©2011 Mac Barnett (P)2011 Listening Library
Steve Brixton is Americaâs next great kid detective (and now he has his own agency to prove it)â¦. When 12-year-old detective Steve Brixton gets a call that the Fairview diamond has gone missing, there are only two things to do: grab his new business cards and take the case! But Steve quickly learns thereâs an even bigger mystery afoot. MacArthur Bart, a.k.a. Steveâs hero, a.k.a. the author of the Bailey Brothers Mysteries series, has been kidnapped! With the man who taught him everything he knows about sleuthing in trouble, Steve and his best chum, Dana, know they must stage a daring rescue.... Once they find out where Bart is... and who took him... and why.
Â©2010 Mac Barnett (P)2010 Listening Library